Saturday, June 30, 2012

Final Goodbye II- Running from grief


Today Pepa died/
Should I be happy for him/
or sad for my lost?/

Thursday morning June 28, 2012 9:08am: Sitting at my desk preparing for the day. It is going to be busy with all of the Yoking classes I have this afternoon so I decided to get busy on this back log of paperwork sitting on my desk. While sitting there I decided to complete my podcast of the "6th tool". Phone rings, and I look at caller ID, and feeling of dread hits me. It is my mother calling, and I'm hoping that she does not have bad news to report about my grandfather:

ha2tim: "What's up?

Mother: "where you at?"

ha2tim: " I'm at the office, why what's up?"

Mother: Well I was looking for your wife, I called and she didn't pickup."

ha2tim:" Well you know she never answer the phone."

We laugh....

Mother: " Well I wanted to go by and pickup Gina (my youngest daughter), cause you know she tickles daddy."

I get quiet because now I am confused, because for those who read the last article Pepa was not responding, and when I left the night before he could barely open his eyes.

ha2tim: " I thought he wasn't responding to anything!"

Mother:" Well he opened his eyes this morning, grabbed my hand and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I want to get Gina over here to help perk him up some more."

ha2tim: " cool call Vick back she is probably getting ready for work and on her way to the babysitter."

Mother: "O.K."

We hang up and my supervisor walks in and we begin to discuss the job and some personal things. I am feeling good and becoming hopeful, because my grandfather seems to be getting better. I seemed to have forgot that according to how you look at the Greek myth of Pandora hope was a cruel joke of the gods.

June 28,  2012 10:18am:

I completed my podcast and working on my paperwork, looking forward to my classes, and then poping in over my mothers house to see Pepa. Then the Phone rings I look at the caller ID, and its my cousin who has come to sit with Pepa:

ha2tim: "What's up?"

Cousin: "Ojay"

I knew something was wrong then, because she started the call with OJay...

Cousin: "Ojay, Pepa passed away!"

ha2tim: " what I just got done talking with my mother and she told me that he was doing better."

Cousin: " He was but then things changed quick, we were her with him and I held his hand through it."

My mind start racing confusion, grief , anger all hit me at once.

Cousin: "I knew he was waiting for Momma's birthday..."

Damn, it is Mema's (my grandmother)birthday now I'm really confused, birthdays, death, and synchronicity. What kind of shit is this. Isthis some type of message from the other side or just coincidence.

ha2tim: "Is the body still there?"

My cousin gets quiet and seems kind of shocked at my question.

Cousin: "what?"

ha2tim: "I said is the body still there?"

Cousin: "Yes"

ha2tim: "I'm on my way."

I didn't know what I was going to do when I got there, but I just knew I had to get there. As I rose from my desk fighting back the tears, I went and informed my supervisor about what was going on and left the building. I had almost made it to my jallopee when I realized that I left my son in the building. I could have left him but  I felt that he needed to say goodbye to Pepa as well. I went back in and got him and went to my mother's house.
When we got there we headed straight to the room. I took my last look Pepa's flesh. I touch him and his body was still, and continue to fight back my tears. My son kissed him on the cheek.

From that point on for the rest of the day I was running and dodging how I really felt. I hid behind my work, in denial of what was going on, and what I was feeling. I changed into my workout close and then ran a mile and did yoking classes for the next 4 hours. I buried myself and what I was feeling.
Pepa dying left a whole in my life. I'm not talking about a Black hole that can suck up everything around it, but a empty void. This was my model of manhood that I watched my whole life. I watched this man go from strong and healthy to the point where he withered away. I am confused, and in pain and I guess the only way to get it out of me is to write about it. Sharing my grief, and denial publicly praying that exposing them to the light of truth will help them whither away as well.
After work I kept myself busy and finally made it back to my mother's house. I immediately went upstairs to Pepa's room. Once again I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe deep down I was hoping for him to still be laying there, but that was not what I found. for the first time in my life Pepa wasn't there and would never be there in the way that I was used to. I sat in his chair closed my eyes and tried to feel his presence, and that's finally when I faced the truth. When I faced the truth the tears came, and was able to stop running.